Labor and Delivery Treatment from the 1940s – The Art Of Negotiation
When I was younger I read two books about business negotiations - Getting Past No and Getting to Yes. Although my uncle meant well at the time, the books were dry for me - a high school freshman. I took the challenge anyway, and I learned all about creating a win-win solution when working with another party that disagrees with my perspectives or desires. Little did I know, the very things I learned in each book would be applied when my youngest daughter was born at the end of August.
To set the stage, for all of our children, we have purposely not determined the child’s sex before birth. We also did not announce any potential names for the child to family or friends. We wanted a legitimate surprise. At the birth of our second child, we created a new tradition. After several hours of some rest, I’d retrieve our oldest child to introduce him to the newest member of the family. After he had the opportunity to hold his sibling, he would call each grandparent and favorite Aunt and Uncle to make the announcement public. A truly treasured treat for three of his siblings!
Then insanity struck for our last child and my son’s fourth sibling. Like normal, I went to retrieve our oldest son to make introductions. When I got to the front desk to have the receptionist open the doors to the labor and delivery floor, I was told that I was permitted but anybody under 18 was not. I again made my request, but was flatly rejected. Not defeated, I asked to speak with the charge nurse. The receptionist asked us to sit in the waiting room to wait for the nurse. Approximately 30 minutes later, the 2nd shift charge nurse came out to the room and reiterated that no minors were allowed on the floor. All the while, I continued to push back against the policy to gain clarity and find an alternative solution that would be amicable for both of us. Unfortunately, we were unable to come to resolve as the charge nurse continued to reiterate that she didn’t have the authority to change policy. In my final request, I asked to speak with a supervisor or somebody who had the ability to speak to the policy or had the authority to create a solution.
Another 10 minutes passed. This time, the charge nurse returned with the 2nd shift floor supervisor. Within a few brief moments of conversation, I learned that the policy was in place to protect the mothers and infants from germs – to include RSV. In exasperation, I asked how my son could create additional risk that I didn’t already carry. After all, I came from a home of 6 people before I came in and will return to the same home when we were through. Moreover, I could not understand how my son was deemed to have more risk, but my sister-in-law who works in a school with 25 elementary aged school children – is regularly exposed to far more germs – would be perfectly acceptable to visit. In any case, if an individual is to get sick, isn’t the hospital going to be the best location to be with the support of nurses and doctors? I was rebuffed again with the policy that the labor and delivery floor had settled on.
To cool down in the moment, I diverted my attention to the people sitting before me, and clarified that my frustration was not with them, but with what I viewed as an asinine policy. I also asked for clarification about what now seemed to be a policy that was only relevant to the labor and delivery floor. The supervisor confirmed that this policy was only true for labor and delivery. He proceeded to share that minors were allowed just one floor below in the ICU. Yes indeed! The ICU where the risk of infection is significantly more harmful to the patient! So much for resetting my disposition! I again pressed for a solution. Being that they wanted isolation, I inquired about the corridor of rooms that was seemingly never in use – at least from my perspective over the past 10 years and 5 visits to this floor - and not guarded by the badged entrance to the “standard rooms”. The supervisor’s eyes widened with an idea.
Looking at my son, he tried to provide an educational moment. “Son, did you know that it hasn’t always been the case that parents and siblings have been able to meet their newest family member in the same room of the hospital. Have you ever heard of a hospital’s nursery, or seen pictures from your grandparents, or viewed old publications with images of infants lined up against a glass window to show new parents their recently born child?” Bewildered, my son nodded disapprovingly in confusion. The supervisor then provided a solution from the 1940s and walked away to get my bride and newest member of the family.
Soon enough the supervisor came to get both my son and me to look through the viewing glass of the old nursery. Although my humor at the time made me think more of a prison than a hospital, my bride had her phone in one hand, our newly minted youngest daughter in the other arm, with the shift nurse at her side ready to share the joy with our son! After a few brief moments of shared excitement and enthusiasm, my bride and daughter were whisked off to her room, while my son and I made our phone calls. Mom and Papa were minimally satisfied. Our oldest son was satisfied. The nursing staff and policy were satisfied. Mission mostly accomplished.
I must admit that I do not believe that this was a perfect win-win for me and my son, but after being away from my bride for more than 2 hours trying to create the solution, I could tell that she was ready to have her advocate back in the room. The real win, however, was the teaching moment that was created with my son about how to resolve conflict with people who disagree. On our way back to my mom’s house, we talked about the following ideas that made the negotiation and solution successful.
Seek to use respectful language and posturing,while acknowledging and maintaining the other individual’s dignity and, if appropriate, authority.
Seek to clarify, as often as necessary, what the disagreement is actually about.
Appeal to reason and metrics used by the individual to make your case for a solution.
Focus on the problem, not the person delivering the message.
Appeal to higher authority if you are unable to reach resolve.
Graciously thank any individuals that helped make the solution possible.
Questions to Ponder
At the time I thought my son was the only one who would learn a lesson. Curiously, I have spent a lot of time thinking about the nature of conflict in the different spheres of influence I occupy. As excited as I was about what my son got to experience, I realize that far to often I do not practice what I preach as a husband, a father, a brother, a son, a sibling, a coach, or an employee. As a result, I leave you with a few questions that I have been pondering over the past four weeks.
Which successful negotiation idea – from the list above- do you struggle with the most?
What concrete steps will you take today to make an improvement?
Who will you give permission to evaluate your progress?
Bonus: How does this apply to any conversation you have with others regarding the money you earn, budget, give,and spend?
To negotiating well!