Accepting Blame or Taking Responsibility
The other night, my lovely bride cornered me – at our round supper table - with “you need to have a conversation with YOUR child!” I usually snicker when she starts a conversation this way because our children always belong to me when one of them disturb her equilibrium! The child, in this case, responded on multiple occasions throughout the day with “its not my fault that…”. Like a judge, I listened to both perspectives before announcing my verdict. “Your mom has the authority. She has the ability to call out problems when she finds them. It is your job to respond as she deems appropriate. Suck it up buttercup!”
If my only job as a husband is to enforce and project my brides authority as the best mom for my children, the conversation would stop there, but my role is so much greater! After supper was over, I put on my Papa hat to coach this child. Read on and tell me what you think of what was discussed.
Papa: Is it true that you forgot your water bottle in the garage when you left for your Nanna’s house?
Child: Yes, but its not my fault. I set my water bottle down when Mom asked me to help get the youngest in their car seat.
Papa: But you did set down your water bottle AND forgot to pick it back up again once the youngest was in their car seat, right?
Child: Yes, but I would have had it if I didn’t help Mom.
Papa: Interesting. Whose water bottle got left behind?
Child: Mine.
Papa: Who had control over bringing the water bottle?
Child: Me.
Papa: Who was generous and helped their sibling into their car seat?
Child: Me.
Papa: Who had to follow through and grab the water bottle after their sibling was seated?
Child: Me.
Papa: Although it was said in exasperation, was Mom asking you whose fault it was that the water bottle did not make it into The Moose or did she desire you to take more responsibility? *The Moose is what our family affectionately calls our Suburban.*
Child: I don’t know.
Papa: Come on! I’m pretty confident Mom did not ask. “Whose fault is it that you don’t have your water bottle?”
Child (said with a smile): She was asking me to take more responsibility.
Papa: Do you control your mom’s attitude, responses, or actions?
Child: No.
Papa: Do you control whether or not you respond to Mom’s requests positively? Do you control whether or not you remember to grab your water bottle before or after Mom makes her request.
Child: Yes.
Papa: So, was Mom asking you to accept fault or take responsibility?
Child: Take responsibility.
Papa: Exactly! When Mom says things in exasperation like this, you can choose to respond with something like this. “Yeah, I got distracted when I was helping you out. Next time, I will…*insert action or improvement*.”
Although the conversation continued from there, our focus was primarily on his own mindset. When he perceived my bride’s exasperation as accusatory, he started playing the victim. When we turned the focus towards what was controllable, he was able to create a tool take responsibility and take action!
Questions to Ponder
If you are like my child was initially, the lines between accepting fault and taking responsibility may seem like they are one in the same, but I would emphatically disagree! Accepting fault is a final destination. It brings out shame and can cause us to become helpless, hopeless, and defeated! Accepting responsibility,however, is empowering. It acknowledges that we contributed to the problem, AND we can respond differently in the future to produce better results.
Let me leave you with some questions to ponder.
How would you contrast the differences between accepting fault and taking responsibility?
In what ways do you default to playing the victim? i.e. “Its not my fault that…”
How can you change your disposition to accepting responsibility instead?
If you took responsibility…
How will your values change?
How will your relationships change?
How will your money management change?
To changing our mindset and taking full responsibility for the things we actually control!